3 months........
Apr 6, 2020
Today it has been 3 months…… It feels like it has been much longer. The things I’ve endured and its only been 3 months?!?!?! I can’t say it has gotten easier, but I have learned to adapt to my “new normal”. It’s very odd to say but I’m glad she left when she did. With everything being on lockdown and her being in a facility I couldn’t imagine missing time with her and not spending her last days with her. Every day when I look in the mirror, I see mom, I’m grateful because I know she’s still with me. I catch myself talking to her all the time. I see her in my dreams and she just seem so happy, no health issues, she’s up there turning up no lie! During this quarantine season it has definitely forced me to face issues that I didn’t realize I had. I think one of the hardest things any person has to do is face themselves. You can lie to people, you can keep up a front but at the end of the day you can’t lie to yourself and if you can, you can’t do it for long. Sometimes I just don’t want to be bothered. I almost feel like I’m too damaged to even be around anyone, I feel unworthy of a relationship of any kind. I believe in energy and sometimes I’m just in a funky mood! I don’t want to bring others down, so I choose to stay away. I honestly think I’ve gone crazy. It just seems like since my mother passed away my emotions are on 💯! Every emotion is amplified, and I just don’t know how to control them. I’ve always been what they call “EXTRA” but sheesh this is on a different level. My good days are WONDERFUL but oooohhhhh when those bad ones hit, Lord help me. I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to eat, I can’t sleep, I don’t want to talk I just want to be in my own world. My own family can’t even get ahold of me! I look at pictures on my Facebook memories and my eyes tell a story....... I realized that I’m no longer who I used to be, a part of me left when my mother transitioned, maybe she took it with her lol I mourn the loss of my mother as well the loss of myself. I miss my jokes, I miss encouraging others, I miss my personality. You know the saying “Hurt people Hurt people”? Yeah, I didn’t understand that until I looked in the mirror and saw that I was doing it. The only person who probably knows EVERYTHING that I feel is someone whom I will refer to as “Sir” because ya’ll not gonna look him up and tell him not to be my friend no more lol…….Ugh and I treat him so bad sometimes, just evil at times. He’s been my punching bag and he really doesn’t deserve it. My communication skills have been off, and my expectations are too high. I don’t want my mother’s death to define me, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because it’s life but sometimes I want to yell “GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!” I can’t communicate my needs because I really don’t know what I need. Things that never bothered me before IRRITATE me like no other. For example, I’m very sensitive to noises now, I don’t know if it’s anxiety or what but when things are really loud I tense up. It just needs to be quiet for some reason and I’m naturally a loud person if you really know me. Maybe I grew up? I remember when I was growing up my dad used to get mad if we were too loud in front of the house he’d say “if you want to be loud go to the playground” ……. I think I’m turning into my dad y’all, I’ll “shhhh” someone with a quickness. I hope I get over this phase because it drives me crazy! There’s a drastic change in me and I pray that it’s for the good, but I’d be lying if I told you it was easy. Life has hit me hard; I would normally go to my mom and ask for guidance but that is no longer an option. I know I should pray about it but if I can be transparent my prayer life hasn’t been where it should be. To be honest that’s probably why I’m feeling the way I feel right now. You know how when you’re in a relationship and you ghost the person? And then a few months later you send that “Hey bighead” text? Sadly, that’s where my relationship is with God right now. I’m not saying it’s right and I wouldn’t advise it but it’s life. I pray every day but sitting down and intentionally spending time with God is something I have to get back to. This blog got started because God gave me a vision a while ago to start writing and sharing my story but I ignored him, mainly because I thought I was unworthy and pretty much told him to find someone else lol. I couldn’t sleep for DAYS and the vision kept popping up in my head, so I finally gave in and made the site overnight and was finally able to rest. When God calls, just answer because the more you fight it the more it’ll eat you up. I pray that my words touch people in ways that I couldn’t even imagine. While the grieving process is extremely hard, I pray for healing while sharing the world as I see it.
