Back to reality...........
Jun 28, 2020
Where has the time gone? It seems like when you’re going through hard times, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. On July 6th it will be 6months since my mom was called home. So much has happened since she’s been gone! I swear I didn’t think I would make it 6 days without her let alone 6 months! Today I am thankful to God for keeping me. Each week gets a little tougher but that makes me appreciate and understand that he really has his hands on me, and he won’t let me go. I’ve been working from home for the last 3 months and tomorrow I have to start going back in. My first reaction was “Awww man” but I had to be positive and now I’m excited to see my co-workers. I spend majority of my time alone and it was really starting to get to me. When you’re isolated that’s when the enemy attacks your mind. God is faithful and he told the enemy No! When I couldn’t fight for myself, he protected me. Every day last week I had to talk myself out of going to the store and buying a bottle of wine. I constantly battle anxiety and depression, but I understand that alcohol or any mind-altering substance is NEVER the answer. I thank God for sending me an amazing support group. I’m constantly reminded that I bring “good vibes”. That keeps me going knowing that even when I’m at my lowest I can still bring joy to others. I can’t wait to get back to work and laugh again. I work with some amazing women and I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through my mom being sick without them. This quarantine had really made me appreciate my loved ones. There have been so many times where I have felt so alone. The devil really had me thinking I didn’t have anyone in this world. He had me feeling unloved and questioning why I’m even here. I recently started listening to a rapper named Rod Wave, he has a song called “Sky Priority” and, in the chorus, he says “Death's gotta be easy 'cause life is hard”. I was so sad one day and that chorus kept popping up in my head over and over. If I wasn’t in my right mind who knows what would’ve happened! It was then that I realized I had to be more careful of what I listened to and allowed to infiltrate my mind and heart. Proverbs reminds us that “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. -Proverbs 4:23”.
Even when I don’t do a good job of guarding my heart The Lord continues to keep me safe in his arms. Before I moved in, I prayed over my apartment and prayed that anything not of God would come in. I’ve had very few people over but sometimes someone will hit me up asking to chill and my spirit won’t allow it. I guess everyone isn’t meant to come with me in this season of my life. I remember when my mother was sick a lot of my relationships kind of died down but then again some grew stronger. It was almost like some of my friends clung to me and while my focus was on my mom theirs was on me. I’m grateful for these last 3 months of restoration and I’m excited to see what God has for me. Kendra and I will turn 29 on July 16th and I’m trying to stay positive. This will be our first birthday without my mom and I really need God to pull us through. My mom used to always give us our cards early because she couldn’t wait to see the excitement on our faces while we counted the money she placed inside. She used to always say “Take that and pay your bills”. I’m going to have to tell my dad to double up this year because birthday money and Christmas money is considered earned income in my books! (I’m just kidding, please don’t tell my dad I’m on here cutting up!) Anyways I really miss my boo and I hope I’m making her proud. I think about her everyday as I watch the sunset. I look in the clouds and wonder what she’s doing up there. I just have to keep my mind on the good things and have better days because it’s too hard to recover from the bad ones. As always please continue to keep my family and I in your prayers………
