Healing...

Updated: Oct 1, 2024

It has been six months since Kendra gained her wings, and I became a "Twinless Twin." People always ask me if I still feel the twin connection, and the answer is yes. In my last blog, I spoke about a "glitch" or a "disconnect" that happened when she passed away. I knew she had passed because I could no longer "feel" her. Her passing was a complete shock to everyone; she wasn't sick or anything; she was literally here one day and gone the next. A few days before Kendra passed away, I had gotten sick suddenly. My feet, legs, hands, and face started to swell up badly out of nowhere. I was so tired and could barely move. I spoke to Kendra over the phone the day before her passing. She sounded tired over the phone, and I remember asking if she was okay. She assured me she had just been exhausted from working so hard lately. I didn't overthink it; I just got off the phone because I was tired and still wasn't feeling well. The next morning, I woke up feeling worse than I did the day before. I had set up an appointment to see my doctor, but I went to check on Kendra before I headed to my appointment. She had a day off, so I would have her come with me to the doctor, and then we planned to see our dad and uncle. 

I remember struggling to walk because my legs and feet were still swollen, and I started to feel pain where the swelling was. I got to Kendra's place and went to her room. I saw her face was swollen, too! When I saw her, I immediately picked up the phone and called 9-1-1. She was up and talking, but something was just "off." EMS came to check her out, but she refused to go to the hospital. I begged and pleaded for her to go. She told me that she would go to the hospital later, but for now, she just wanted to go to sleep.

I screamed at her and said, "Go to sleep!?!?!?! What if you don't wake up?!?!?! You don't look like you're going to wake up!!!" I remember begging the EMS team to take her, and they said they couldn't because she refused treatment. I have never felt so defeated in my life. I threatened to call my father as a last effort, and she looked at me and said she didn't care and that she still wasn't going to the hospital. When my mother passed away, she had a particular look on her face that Kendra and I talked about often. I remember telling Kendra, "You have that look on your face, and you know what I'm talking about." She nodded, "Yes," and just started watching TV. I realized I couldn't change her mind, so I decided to get my dad and have him come and make her go. Before I left, I looked at her and said, "You're a grown woman, and you can make your own decisions, but I love you." She nodded her head and said, "I love you too."  

  That was the last time I saw my sister alive. I believe she was actively dying while I was there, and I think she knew it. Back to the twin connection, I believe that the swelling, pain, and fatigue that I was experiencing was what Kendra was going through. Once I felt that "glitch' and could no longer "feel" her, the swelling in my body started to go down immediately. I thank God she left this world knowing how much I loved her. I thank God that she was with her boyfriend and didn't have to die alone. I thank God for allowing me to say goodbye. 

These last few months have probably been the most challenging months of my life. Not only was I worried about myself, but I was also worried about my father, and then I worried about everyone else being concerned about me and my dad. (I know that sounds wild) My father injured his back over the summer. I watched him go through physical therapy, and somehow, he became a visual representation of what I was going through spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. God has a funny way of getting our attention. I didn't understand why everything happened the way it did, and I still don't fully understand, but I trust God. When my dad initially hurt his back, he became very vulnerable and had to depend on others to help him. My dad has a lot of pride, but he slowly but surely learned that "We all need somebody to lean on" -Bill Withers. Once he submitted and embraced the process, God spoke to me through my father's recovery every day. At first, he was so hard on himself, and I would hear him say mean things about himself. He would get frustrated when he couldn't do the things that he used to do. The things that my father said about his physical recovery were the same things I told myself mentally.

I was so judgmental of myself because I couldn't continue my life. We all have our inner bullies, and hearing my dad talk like that about himself, I knew that the same inner bully that was in him was the same one that was in me. When he spoke negatively about himself, I would look him in the eyes and speak positively. I was looking into my father's eyes but also letting his inner bully and mine know that they no longer have power over this bloodline. I understood that sometimes life will break you, even shatter you into a million pieces, but you will heal with the proper support and help. Not only will God heal you, but you'll be in better shape than before you needed the healing. I am so thankful for God's gentleness towards me; he has placed people in my life who have allowed me a soft place to fall. 

My Uncle Duck, who has played a significant role in Kendra and my lives, has a saying: "You'll be alright once the swelling goes down." I'm not sure if he came up with it himself, but when it feels like life has turned me everywhere but loose, I hold on to that saying. The "swelling" is slowly going down, so I know that I'll be alright. 

Thank you all for your continued support. Please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers, and I will do the same for you and yours.

"Lord, by such things people live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health  and let me live."-Isaiah 38:16