March 27.2024
On March 27, 2024, we learned of the unexpected passing of my twin sister Kendra Page. My heart and soul are completely shattered. I have been in some "fog" the past week and can't escape. I feel intoxicated, but there has been no use of drugs or alcohol. I cannot think clearly or process anything. Conversations sound like a foreign language; I can hear what people say but don't understand or retain it. I have been having anxiety attacks at night, where I am shaking uncontrollably and struggling to breathe at times. Even with all of this going on and feeling like my own body is betraying me, I feel divinely protected, and I know that I'm never truly alone.
I have a sense of peace surrounding my sister's passing. Something changed in her after losing my mother, and there was another change after losing our big sister Krystal. I have been in therapy for years, and while there is no proper way to grieve, I have the resources to get through. Kendra was very reserved and never let anyone know when things were wrong or if she was struggling. As her twin, I could "feel" her and knew when things were wrong and right. I could "feel" Kendra's bad days and am so thankful she will never have another one. I don't know what happened to my twin sister, and I don't know what the autopsy report will say, but if you asked me, my answer would be that she died of a broken heart. I saw Kendra the day that she passed away. I thank God for the last moments we shared. She knew how much I loved her, and that's what matters the most to me.
The hardest part was having to tell my father that she was gone. I remember when Krystal died, the only sense of relief was that I didn't have to tell my mother. When the doctor told me that Kendra was gone, I screamed, not for myself but for my father. My father walked into the hospital with a smile, asking, "Where's Kendra? Is she up yet?" I told him to follow me into one of the family rooms and said, "Dad, she didn't make it." the look on his face will forever haunt me. I worry so much about my dad sometimes, but one of his best friends reminded me yesterday that the same God who is watching over me is the same God who is watching over my father.
I posted my first blog on March 31, 2020. This blog has been my heart and my soul. I started it to honor my mother and to document my grief journey. When I started, I never imagined losing two siblings within four years. I don't know what God has for me and my family, but I will continue to trust him. My mother, Krystal, and Kendra all died so young, but I don't believe in a "gone too soon" type of God. I believe God calls us home once we have finished the race, and when people die young, I consider them overachievers because they finished before we expected them to. I find comfort in knowing that Kendra is finally at peace. I know my mom and Krystal were there to greet her on the other side, but more importantly, she is now resting in the sweet arms of Jesus. Please keep my family in your prayers, as this has shocked us all.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18
