January 6, 2024
I believe the closest thing to God's love is a mother's love, and I've realized that even in death, the love continues. I was blessed to have a great relationship with my mom. It wasn't perfect, but it was real. I knew that no matter what I did or whatever trouble I had gotten into, I could always go home to momma. At 32 years old, there's nothing more that I want in life than to go home to momma. When I need her the most, she still shows up for me. On the days I wanted to give up, I would hear her say, "Keep going Jazzy-Boo." My mother was a fighter, and I find my strength in the lessons that she has taught me.
It has been four years, but it feels like yesterday. Nothing prepares you for the loss of a parent. Grieving my mother has, by far, been the most challenging and painful experience of my life. Not only am I grieving the loss of my mother, but I am grieving the loss of myself. My life, as I once knew it, has crumbled, and my only option is to process and pick up the pieces. I have no choice but to lean on God because there is no understanding of a loss of this magnitude. I asked my mother once while she was lying in the hospice bed, "Ma, how did you get over losing your mother?" she smiled and said, "Oh, the good Lord will show you the way."
I have had many dark days since she left this world. There were days when I didn't want to live because I couldn't imagine being in this world without her. I don't have the words to express my gratitude to God for keeping me. He pulled me out of the darkness when I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Those days when I couldn't pray for myself, I could feel the prayers of everyone who has ever loved me. It was dark for a while, and I started to question God. I couldn't understand why I was going through what I was going through. He once revealed to me in a sermon that there is growth in the darkness. We develop in our mother's womb in the darkness; plants are rooted in the darkness. Darkness means it's time to grow! The good and bad news is that many dark days are ahead of me. It may be scary, and I may feel alone, but I'll be getting the nutrients needed to become all that God has called me to be. The blessing is that if God did it before, he'll do it again, so I know that when those days hit, he'll pull me out of them when I'm ready.
I've learned that things don't necessarily happen to you but for you, so even during the worst storms of life, all things are still working for your good. ("And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."-Romans 8:28). Because of this storm, I have become a better woman. My faith has grown because of it. The old hymns that I used to hear growing up, like "What A Friend We Have In Jesus" or "Amazing Grace," the lyrics hold so much power once you've lived. I am beyond blessed and thankful for the opportunity to turn my pain into purpose. Thank you to my tribe for supporting me through this journey. As always, continue to pray for me and my family, and I'll pray for you and yours.
