Living In The Moment........
Sep 7, 2020
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6
I have recently been meditating on Proverbs 3:5-6 because I truly have to trust in the lord with ALL my heart especially during these times. I’ve been on this road to healing and it seems to be never ending. Just when things start to look up, everything changes. One thing that’s guaranteed in life is change, so I guess I should get used to it right? Nothing is ever promised so I’m learning to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow. Whatever is meant to happen shall happen. I desire to be happy and I know that has to start within. It’s so easy to look for happiness in others but that only leads to disappointment. While it is important to have a strong support system no one can heal me from THIS pain but God. We all go through trials and tribulations, but it is significant to remember that through it all we remain blessed. Situations that I didn’t see myself coming out of have come and gone, God has kept me through it all. I’ve been laying low lately, observing the people around me. I love watching my family and friends get blessed. I love seeing words of encouragement or even videos that they may post. I often feel like I’m alone but when I look and see someone still going strong after life has hit them, it empowers me to do the same. I’m not just going to lay down and let life’s unfortunate circumstances take over me. I have to fight! I looked in the mirror the other day and didn’t recognize myself. I saw defeat in my eyes, and it terrified me. I have so many things to be thankful for, there is no reason for me to feel defeated. I can’t believe it has been 8 months since my mom passed. Somedays I laugh when I think of her and other days I cry. My mother always knew when something was wrong, I never had to say anything. Days when I couldn’t sleep well, she would always invite me over to take a nap and watch a movie. She always used to fuss at me about how she didn’t get any sleep because I snored so loud. Sometimes I would have financial issues and didn’t want to ask for help. My mom would call me randomly and tell me to look in a certain area in my car and I would find money that she secretly stashed. I miss my mother’s heart, no one in this world can match it. I’m blessed to still have my family who will baby me if I need to be babied. Every time my oldest sister goes to the home goods store, she calls me asking if I want something. My twin sister and I talk everyday 24/7 and she can always sense when something is wrong with me. My dad gives me tough love and reminds me that I’m not a punk but if I cry, he’s always there with a ginger ale (because that fixes everything) and a shoulder to cry on. I don’t think I’ve fully grasps the impact on what losing a parent can do to a person. I’m blessed to be able to stay home majority of this year due to the pandemic. God has given me a roof over my head, a job that’s paying me to stay home, and rest. I appreciate life so much more and cherish every moment that I have with others. I recently read “The Alchemist” By: Paulo Coelho and the passage that really stuck with me was “Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.”― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist I read this passage frequently and it keeps me centered. I think I’m guilty of being alive but not really LIVING. The last few birthdays and holidays, I spent them worrying if it would be the last one with my mom. I was so anxious that I didn’t take the time soak it all in. I am reminded of the Latin term “Carpe Diem” which means to seize the day or to make the most of the present and to give little thought to the future. While it is important to be responsible and prepare for life, don’t let it overwhelm you to the point where you stop living. I appreciate everyone who has taken this journey with me. The support is overwhelming and greatly needed. As always please continue to keep my family and I in your prayers and I will do the same for you.
