A Woman Who Doesn't Quit......
Sep 24, 2020
I have recently been participating in a bible study with the women of my church. We are studying “A Woman Who Doesn’t Quit” (5 Habits from The Book of Ruth) By: Nicki Koziarz. There is a workbook that we follow along with and it asks you different questions. The questions relate to quitting and one thing I found out was that I quit on myself A LOT! I will go to war for anybody but when it comes to myself, I don’t have that same fight or desire to see myself overcome obstacles. I have been feeling really insecure these past few months, I feel like I have lost complete control over my life. I’ve noticed that I have become more sensitive, and more needy than I once was. I’m working on trying to figure out my triggers because I am starting to feel how I once felt as a little girl. I have been doing some “Inner Child” work and I don’t really know how to help Young Jaz and it saddens me. I remember being angry all the time when I was child. I was always labeled as the “bad twin” and that has always stuck with me. When I turned 25, I did a lot of “soul searching” and I thought I worked through my anger and insecurity issues but the fact that they’re resurfacing is discouraging. It’s a wound that keeps opening and I want to be healed completely from it. I have not always been responsible for the things that have occurred in my life, but it is my responsibility to do the work and become better because of it. In the beginning of each chapter in the book (“A Woman Who Doesn’t Quit” (5 Habits from The Book of Ruth) By: Nicki Koziarz) there is a “Quit Quitting Verse” where it shows you a scripture that correlates with the chapter that you are about to read. One scripture that has really stuck with me and has helped me work through the emotions this week was “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” – Romans 5:3-4 .
It reminds me that through every trial and tribulation there is always something we gain out of it. A Mother’s love never ends……Even in death. Last week I really needed my mom. I got overwhelmed and I NEEDED HER! If I can be transparent, I’m mad as hell that my mother is no longer here. This time last year we were preparing for her departure, but you can never really prepare yourself for losing a loved one. I thought I was ready; I remember asking her any and every question I could possibly think of. I was mentally taking notes and secretly recording videos. I tried to stop time, but I couldn’t and now I’m left with more questions. I woke up one morning and went through my mail. Ugh BILLS!!!!! I SCREAMED from the top of my lungs and sobbed uncontrollably. Not many people know this about me, but I love checking the mail. There is something about seeing my name and address that makes me feel accomplished. I don’t know what it was about that specific day or why those bills overwhelmed me because let’s be honest…….I get the same ones each month. Anyways, I screamed, and I cried myself to sleep. I dreamt about my mother that day. She was sitting on my couch and I remember seeing my name in the window, so I knew she was here at The Nap House. First thing she told me was to “Shut up” and to “Stop all that crying”. I crawled over and placed my head in my mother’s lap and cried the whole dream. (quietly of course) She told me exactly how to fix my problems and assured me that everything was going to be ok. I am grateful that God continues to show up when I need him the most. I thank God for allowing me to see my mom again. To see her healthy has to be the best feeling ever. So even though I get angry sometimes because she’s no longer here, I wouldn’t trade it for the world because I know there’s healing where she is. I value life more because of everything I’ve gone through. One day it will all make sense and we will understand why everything played out the way it did. I have been struggling with embracing the new me, I’ve actually been rejecting it myself. My whole world changed, and I needed something to be consistent. As I work through the issues within myself that may have been triggered by the loss of my mom, I’m going to keep pushing because I can no longer continue to quit. I will take better care of the new me because I deserve it. Self-love is the best love. I am not the things I’ve gone through and I am not the names that I have been called. I will continue to do the work and become the best version of myself………..
