My Truth
Apr 16, 2020
My prayer is for God to heal my heart; I try to forgive but the harder I try the more things pop up. When sickness and death come, people show their true colors. I constantly have to bite my tongue and try to be “the bigger person”. I’M TIRED OF BEING THE BIGGER PERSON!!!!! My mother used to always say “Jazmin, your mouth is going to get you into trouble” but how long am I supposed to just sit there and not say anything? If I’m going to be honest I don’t believe my mother was treated right by the people she helped out the MOST. I used to ask my mother all the time why she allowed things to go on when she knew about it! She saw people STEALING from her, she allowed people to LIE to her face and she never said a word about it. She used to say, “Jazmin, leave it alone”. Now if you knew Shyril Glenn you knew SHE DID NOT PLAY!!!!! So, when she got sick and I noticed a bunch of foolishness I’d always ask, “Ma do you want me to handle it?” she would always tell me “No”. It took everything in me not to just start throwing punches when someone only came around for money, or when someone would come around and I knew they had just stolen from her. My mother just didn’t like a bunch of arguing around her so out of respect I would just be quiet. I’m not going to lie I had a few outbursts because I just couldn’t take it! It just hurt me so bad to watch people treat her so poorly when she was the kind of woman that would give you her LAST. I remember one time I was so angry, the anger that makes you feel like you’re going to explode. I honestly think the devil himself was in me that day. I just remember I couldn’t take it and I jumped in this person’s face and started screaming calling them any and everything but a child of God. The ONLY thing that stopped me from slamming this person’s head in the toilet repeatedly was I heard my mom wheezing, she was so upset with what she had saw and was trying to get up to stop the altercation, but she couldn’t breathe. That hurt my heart because I knew that time, I played a part in her pain. I calmed my mom down and put her back in bed and I left. I remember riding home and I called Rev. Wells (one of the ministers at my church) and was on the phone CURSING!!!! I’m cursing in front of a minster but hey, he understood. I told him how much I wanted to harm this person and he just kept trying to calm me down, but I wasn’t trying to hear that, I rushed him off the phone. When you’re that upset the last thing you want to hear is “What would Jesus do?” I was mad for about 4 days after that. I was sick! My blood pressure was up and I had the worst migraine I had ever experienced. That’s how I knew it was the devil. I had never been so mad in my life! That’s how the enemy works, he’ll test you just to ruin your testimony. You know the first thing people say when you act out is “oh I thought you was in the church, I thought you was a Christian”. Listen, I get all that and I want be Christ like but I’m not Christ and he's still working on me. I know I should’ve handled it differently, but I was pushed too far. My only regret was not speaking up sooner. If I would’ve spoken up the first time I knew something was wrong, I wouldn’t have let it build up, and I wouldn’t have reacted in that way. Maybe it didn’t bother my mother because she gave it to God? I guess that was the least of her worries. “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.-Romans 12:19
I know revenge isn’t mine, and I try to forgive and move on but when things are constantly being brought up and people are playing the victim it gets under my skin. Not only do people play the victim but they have the nerve to spread lies as if they were done wrong! I never wanted to speak on this because at the end of the day only God can judge. Kendra and I were CONSTANTLY criticized about how things were handled when it came to mom. Everyone had something to say but didn’t offer a solution to the problem. I remember sitting there sometimes like “It’s the weekend where’s our family?!?!” My mother was too good of a person to not have a room full of visitors. Majority of the days it was just Kendra and I, that was tough because sometimes we just needed a hug or words of comfort. I cried to my dad once and he just said, “Whatever you do, make sure you do all that you can for your mom”. I think that was the best advice anyone had ever given me. I understand that was my mother but watching her transition was EXHAUSTING! It messed me up. Every day I wondered if that would be the last time, I saw her. During my breaks at work I would call the Hospice center and the nurses would try to update me on her health, I would always interrupt them and ask, “Did she wake up this morning?”. Anxiety is a MONSTER and when you’re worrying about a parent it makes it 10x harder to function. I felt so guilty working, I beat myself up for not being able to take and just take care of my mom. My desire is that I will no longer be a slave to a paycheck. The fact that I wasn’t financially stable enough to just take off and be with her killed me. Thankfully my co-workers donated leave, but I only took off when her health really started to decline. I missed out on times when she was full of life all because I needed to pay bills. My mother understood, in-fact she encouraged me to work but you don’t get that time back. Time is the most valuable thing in the world, you can always make more money, but you’ll never be able to replace the time you lost. I did all that I could for mom, and I kept what my father told me in the back of my head. Do right by people! Treat your parents right because when they’re gone nothing will bring them back. I’m proud of Kendra and I because we handled things by ourselves when we shouldn’t have had to. I don’t care how anybody feels because my mother made it a point to let us know how proud of us, she was. She let us know every chance that she got how much she loved us. Unfortunately, others may not have shared the same experiences because they chose not to come around. When my mother died, of course I was sad, but I was at peace. I have no regret in my heart, because when mom needed me the most I was there. I can’t speak on how others feel but I do know that the ones who didn’t do right by her have to live the rest of their lives with that guilt. Maybe that’s why there are lies being told? Maybe that’s why people are playing the victim? I don’t know………… Like I said before, my prayer is for God to heal my heart. Anyone who has gone through it knows that heartbreak is worse that I sounds.......... My title is "My Truth" because everyone has different experiences and I respect that.
