Rest.......
Apr 9, 2020
When I was a child and couldn’t sleep, I’d wait for my dad to get up for work and I’d crawl right in bed with my Mom. Even as an adult she used to fuss at me for coming to her house just to take a nap. I can’t explain it but being around my mom……... it was like instant NyQuil! I just knew that no matter what was going on that prevented me from sleeping I could go see my mother and have the best nap! I’d bring her a sweet tea, argue with her about what to watch on tv and be knocked out within 5 minutes. When she was at the hospice center as soon as I walked in the ladies at the front desk knew I needed 2 warm blankets (one for me and one for Mom). Going to see your mother in a hospice center isn’t the easiest thing to do but, thank God for the peace that my mother brought me. The kind of peace where even though I lost sleep worrying about her, as soon as I got in the room, I was able to rest. Since I lost my mom I haven’t been able to SLEEP SLEEP! It’s horrible because y’all know I love a goodnight sleep. Something is always on my mind and even when I do fall asleep, I dream about whatever it is that is bothering me. See when mom was here all that stuff was blocked as soon as I got next to her. Like many others this Covid-19 is STRESSING ME OUT!!!! This quarantine life has honestly made it harder to fight this depression. No work,(which I’m not mad about at all) no stores or shopping malls to walk around in, limited interaction with people, NO CHURCH! I miss going to church so much. I understand that the church is not the building and that it’s in us but sometimes I just need a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a song to minister to my soul, I NEED IT! With that being said I’m not sleeping well at all and I just wish I had my mom to lay next to. One morning Kendra (My twin sister) texted me and asked me how I was doing. I was exhausted and I hadn’t slept the whole night! Have you ever been too tired to sleep? I was at that point and was just completely over everything. I gave her the usual “I’m fine just a little tired” like I do every morning. My family and I have suffered a tremendous loss and it’s kind of awkward to talk about. I don’t want my family to worry about me, so I keep it pushing and I don’t necessarily tell them what’s wrong. I just feel like they have their own problems and I don’t want to be added to the list. Kendra told me she had a weird dream that my mother kept making me recite Matthew 11:28-30. I had no idea what that scripture was and neither did Kendra. When I looked it up it said “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30 I’m not going to lie it spoked me! I dream about my mom all the time and it’s crazy to me that the night I couldn’t sleep she still found a way to give me peace through my sister. Before my mother died, I asked her how she got over the loss of her mother. She looked at me in the hospice bed and said, “Oh the good Lord showed me the way” and she closed her eyes and went to sleep. My mother didn’t know it, but I cried the rest of the day after hearing her say that. This was at a point where she was probably somewhat “normal” for a few minutes and then she would go into this daze. I would talk to my mother all day sometimes and wouldn’t get a response, but God brought her back from what I believe was another realm to make sure that message given to me. I’ve said it before in my previous post, my prayer life isn’t where it should be and I believe God spoke through my mom and sister to remind me that “oh the good Lord showed me the way”. He’s the only way. I’m not trying to get all “preachy” but only God can fight this depression and anxiety, I can’t do it on my own. The goal is to work smarter not harder, so if we serve a God who will fight our battles why don’t we give it to him? If he’s omnipresent, omniscience and omnipotent what are you hiding from? Girl HE SEES YOU!!!! Like sees you sees you! We’re so used to instant gratification so when it takes too long, we don’t want to go through the process. I have to realize that this healing won’t be easy, nor will it be quick. I can’t just take a pill and the pain will go away (I mean I could but once the meds wear off, I’ll be hurting again) This process is more like physical therapy and God is the physical therapist. I have to do what’s prescribed by my doctor in order to move and function better. I have to take my daily doses of his word and I have made a conscience effort to build up my prayer life so that when God is talking, I’ll recognize his voice and hear him clearly. God isn’t going to tell me to stay up all night and worry! He’s going to say “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11;28) God didn’t give me the spirit of anxiety or depression, he blessed me with a mother who even when she went home, she still came back to see about me. I’m forever grateful because even though this road is rough, I find healing in every word I type. I will honor God with every breath in me and I because of the message my mom sent I will rest.
