Shine Bright Like A Krystal
Jazmin Elaine
Sep 20, 2022
Updated: Jul 15, 2024
If you’ve paid attention to me on social media, you would think I was in a mountain top season in my life. I’ve been on trips and grown closer to my family; I’m in a healthy and loving relationship; what could be wrong? I think that frustrates me the most; everything is going well, but why do I feel like this inside? These last few months have probably been some of the darkest months of my entire life. My mental health has spiraled, and I’m just trying to find my way back to the light. I haven’t posted or written in over six months because of the depression. When I write, I am in a vulnerable space, and I don’t want to face myself. I was running from myself, and I was running from God. I am trying to heal from the traumas in my life, but once you’ve conquered one, you start getting triggered by the next. I was tired mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually; my soul was exhausted.
We always face challenges, and our attitudes towards them can make or break us. I feel like I am in a valley season which to some may sound depressing, but I’m grateful for it. I feel God and his protection. I feel hidden from the vultures that life may bring my way. For a long time, I felt dead inside; and like the vulture, he is the enemy could smell it. I was driving one day, and my car started acting up; I thought, “If I crashed, all of my problems would be gone.” That may seem a little dramatic, but unfortunately, I meant it. The emotional pain I was dealing with turned into physical pain; I felt a knot in my stomach, was having difficulty breathing, and just wanted everything to stop. At that moment, I didn’t want to harm myself; I just wanted to be at peace. It was one of the lowest and saddest points of my life. I started to feel like the world would be better without me. I didn’t feel like I brought any value to anything; I lost my purpose. I felt like a disappointment to everyone around me. The pressures of life became too much. As I reflect on this moment, I was at a point in my life where I started drinking to numb the pain. I was ashamed because alcoholism runs in my family, and the ONE thing that I tried to avoid was turning into my reality. Deep down, I hated myself for who I had become, and the enemy ran with it. So, I am in my car DRIVING with these thoughts, and something clicked that this was wrong! God loves me, and there’s nothing I could ever do to change that! I cried out to God and asked for help. I spoke of the valley season earlier, and the beauty in the valley is that you can hide. When I cried out for God, not only did he fight my battles for me, but he hid me from the enemy. I honestly don’t remember the rest of the drive home; it was a divine intervention. I feel like Jesus literally took the wheel that day, and thankfully, I made it home safely.
September 6th marked the first anniversary of my sister Krystal’s passing. My sister’s death traumatized me, and the emotions it brought are often overwhelming. I feel like I’m going through two different grief processes with two separate stages after losing my mom and sister so close together. My Pastor, Rev.Tony Lee, preached my sister’s eulogy. His sermon topic was “Shine Bright Like a Krystal,” a play on my sister’s name (Krystal Bright). I can’t give you the 3 points of the sermon because I don’t remember anything he said, but I specifically remember him repeatedly saying, “Shine Bright Like a Krystal.” Those dark months that I previously spoke of, that simple but POWERFUL phrase, is what got me out of it. If you knew Krystal, you understood that her light was so bright that it often blinded you. Her personality would fill the room, and anytime you didn’t feel your best, she would give you something to laugh about. I thank God for my big sister! She always looked out for me and treated me like her baby sister. Even when we used to fight, she always had my back, no matter what. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in life, but I always knew that if I needed anything, I could go to Krystal. She was like a second mother to me, and I will forever be grateful for the life lessons she taught me along the way. I know Rev.Tony Lee preached her eulogy, but there’s no doubt in my mind that she intervened and helped him write it. I can imagine Krystal in Heaven, and as God gave my pastor the words to preach, I know she was up there adding her two cents to it.
God and Krystal knew what needed to be said to get her loved ones through. For a while, I carried so much shame for even having those types of thoughts, but when I think of Krystal, her life was far from perfect, but she lived it unapologetically. After I got home from that car ride, I stayed in the house for days; I called in sick from work and spent my days in bed. The only thing that gave me the desire to push through was the fact that I didn’t want to put my family through another loss. I hate talking about this, and very few people knew what I was going through at the time, but I feel obligated to share because I know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way. It’s a complicated space to be in where you don’t desire to harm yourself, but instead of thanking God for waking you up in the morning, you get an overwhelming feeling of disappointment. Even as I write, I’m hesitant because I fear judgment from the world. I’m afraid that my words may hurt the ones closest to me because I know they’ll question why I didn’t say anything or how did they miss the signs? The truth is I learned at a young age to keep things to myself and how to cover up things so that nobody would know what was going on.
As I go through this season, my outlook on life has completely changed. I must remember what God thinks of me and that his opinion is the only one that truly matters. Every day we wake up on this side of Heaven, we still have a purpose to fulfill. I’m so thankful for God’s love and his unchanging hand. I’m grateful for the power of prayer because that’s the only reason I made it home that evening. I knew who to call on even at rock bottom. I would be a fool not to acknowledge the prayers of my family, friends, and ancestors that covered me in those dark moments. Life is challenging, and if you ever find yourself in one of those dark moments, my prayer for you all is to remember to “Shine Bright Like a Krystal.”
Thank you all for your continued support, please continue to keep my family and me in your prayers, and I will do the same for you and yours!
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.-Psalm 119:105
