Life Happens
Jazmin Elaine
Oct 17, 2021
One thing I am constantly learning in life is that time waits for no one. It doesn't matter how bad you want to hit the "Pause" button; the world will keep going. The last time you all heard from me, I was high on life! Everything was falling into place, and I felt like I could only go up—the only constant in life is change. I found myself in a dark space. I remember looking in the mirror one day, and I couldn't recognize myself. Not only was I looking at a stranger, but I didn't feel like myself either. My hair was all wild, skin pale, dark circles around my eyes. WHO IS THIS?!?!? I thought to myself, "How in the hell did this happen?" I had fallen into a deep depression and it caught me off guard! Once I realized what had occurred, I felt violated; how did I not see it coming? I made sure I worked through my emotions just so this wouldn't happen to me! And here, I found myself exactly where I didn't want to be. DEPRESSED!
Shame began to overcome me, and I instantly went into "Recovery" mode. I had to assess the damage. Not only did I go into depression, but I had fallen behind on my bills……Like Jaz, "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!?!?" I can't even begin to tell you what I did with my money. I looked like I gained a few pounds, so shoot, maybe I ate my paycheck. I'm not even trying to be funny; these last few months have been a complete blur. While I was doing everything to fix the mess I created, I couldn't let my family or friends know what I was going through. I made the mess, and I had to clean it up myself. I didn't want to burden them with my problems. Looking back, that was a big mistake! When you are going through hard times you are NEVER a burden to the people who love you. Trust me, they would rather help you succeed than to find you struggling and not asking for help.
When I would receive phone calls or facetime, I would perk up so that they wouldn't see or hear the brokenness that I felt. Avoidance had become my new drug, and for a while, I was doing good. I didn't want to disappoint anyone, and I didn't want to face the fact that I didn't have it all together. So, the plan was to fake it until I make it, but you get tired quickly when you start living a lie and putting up a front. I heard Della Reese say in a movie one time, "Surviving isn't always pretty no matter how much makeup you put on." My makeup was smearing y'all!!!
When my mother passed away, I felt as though a part of me went with her. There has been a constant void in my soul since, and nothing can fill it. I will say that there are moments when I thank God that he took her when he did. On Monday, September 6, 2021, I had one of those moments, maybe a few of them. It was Labor Day, and I was getting ready to go to brunch with a few friends of mine. I was waiting on my ride to come to pick me up when I saw an incoming Facetime from my eldest sister Keesha. I answered, ready to ask her how my outfit looked, but I knew something terrible had happened by the look on her face. I remember her saying my name, and I said, "Don't tell me, don't tell me!". What she told me was not only unexpected but turned out to be one of the worst moments of my life. She told me my older sister Krystal had passed away. I dropped the phone and hit the floor. It felt like déjà vu. This feeling was too familiar. It was only last year (18 months exactly from that day) that I had received the same call about my mother. After the initial shock, my mind instantly went to my nieces Jayda and Amari, who are only 21 &22. My heart shattered for them because I knew the pain they had and will continue to endure due to the loss of their mother. I thought I was too young to lose my mom at 28, but I couldn't imagine losing her that young.
My niece Jayda had called me after I spoke with Keesha, she didn't tell me what was wrong, but she asked me to come over. I rushed over to the house; in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have driven. My sister Krystal only lived about 10mins away from me, and it turned out to honestly one of the longest rides of my life. Pulling up, not knowing what to expect, I saw my family standing outside. It was a hard place to be in because my nieces had COVID at the time. You want to hug them, but then again, you don't want to put yourself at risk. Watching my niece's breakdown in the front yard was one of the hardest things I've ever had to watch. They hung onto one another, and hearing their cries was unbearable. As a family, we couldn't just watch them go through that alone, and eventually, we said forget COVID and embraced them. I think I cried a little more for them losing their mother than I did for losing my sister. I remember thinking about my mother and thanking God I didn't have to tell her about my sister's passing. My mother loved her girls, and I can't even imagine how she would've taken that news.
Because Krystal had passed away in a hospital, we had to get permission to see my her. We piled up in a few cars and drove to the hospital as a family. We were not allowed in the room; we had to stand outside and look through a glass door. I just kept staring at her, looking for some sign of life, but she was gone. Hearing my nieces ask me what will they do without their mom broke me. I didn't have the answers because I still didn't know what to do without mine almost two years later.
Weirdly with my sister's passing, this experience has somehow sparked a newfound sense of purpose in me. I was reminded of why I started this blog in the first place. The loss that I have experienced is all for a greater purpose. The majority of the storms we encounter in life have very little to do with us. You never know when your time will be up. What are you doing to make an impact in this world? When judgment day comes, will you be ready? Every day that we wake up is a blessing. I will be the first to admit that sometimes it doesn't always feel like one, but it's God's way of giving us another chance to honor and glorify him. My sister Krystal was beautiful inside and out. We did not always get along, but I will carry the lessons that she's taught me for the rest of my life. Our family is stronger than ever, and I will honor her by being there for her children the best way that I know-how. We just celebrated my mother's 66th birthday on Oct.13th, and I did find peace knowing that they were together. I want to live right and honor God with my life and one day I know I'll see my loved ones again.
Thank you for the support, and please continue to keep my family and me in your prayers, and I will do the same.
That’s why we live with such good cheer. You won’t see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don’t get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It’s what we trust in but don’t yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we’ll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming. -2 Corinthians 5;8 MSG
