Time Flies
I can’t believe it has been almost a year since I’ve posted here. Life has been “lifing,” and I have barely had time to sit down and focus on the changes. In September of last year, I took a leap of Faith and decided to leave my teaching job of 7 ½ years without a plan. I have been an educator for the last 12 years, and working with children has become a passion of mine. The toxic work environment ultimately led me to leave something I truly loved. I started to feel like I was in an abusive relationship with my supervisors. One thing you learn quickly as an educator is to leave your problems at the door, but when the “problem” follows you all over the building and constantly criticizes you and your colleagues, it gets overwhelming.
Every morning I cried on my way to work; I even got stomachaches due to the anxiety of knowing I would have to go in. I got to a point where I could no longer shake the mistreatment, and I became extremely depressed. I don’t believe in working with children when you’re unhappy. I think it can even be dangerous at times. Education is already a stressful field, and knowing when you’re close to your breaking point is essential. I did not want to get to that point and negatively impact a child, so I had to walk away. Sometimes when we take that leap of Faith, we question ourselves and wonder if that’s what God wants us to do. I knew God was with me because I felt he was telling me I had to close one door for more to open. The peace I felt once I wrote my resignation letter was indescribable. I was so grateful that God released me from a place that felt like Hell. When I say I didn’t have a plan, I didn’t! Not many savings and wasn’t sure how I would pay my rent or if I would even have food to eat, but I did know that if I had stayed in that position, I wouldn’t have made it to the following year. That environment impacted my mental health; I felt like my decision was life or death.
Thankfully God opened doors, and I was blessed to have received another job offer within a month of leaving my previous position. I wouldn’t recommend anyone just leaving a job, but I would say talk to God first, and if he releases you, go for it! When I tell you, I did not lack in any way during my time off. In fact, I had an overflow of resources and could bless others around me. God ALWAYS provides, and it’s in our weakest, most vulnerable moments where we really meet him and lean on him. (But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9)
On July 16th, I turned 32, and it was such an emotional morning for me. I’ve always been told that it will get better with time, and even though that may be true in some ways when it comes to holidays and birthdays, grief seems to get worse. Every holiday without your loved one makes the loss more “permanent,” if that makes sense. I will never get used to not having my mother call and sing happy birthday or being unable to spend the holidays with her. I cried all morning on my birthday, then went to church and cried some more. It’s funny because I’m known to be a crier and haven’t cried in a long time. I even bragged about not crying to my therapist once. It just seemed like on my birthday, once I woke up, the floodgates opened, and I couldn’t stop. That morning Rev.Kaila Haynes (she’s going to fuss at me for calling her that), who happens to be a wonderful friend of mine, hugged me in church. Naturally, when we go out in public, we present the best versions of ourselves. She saw me that day, and she saw right through me. We reached out to greet one another like usual, but once we embraced, I felt safe. I didn’t feel the need to put on a front or fake like I was ok because I wasn’t. I wept in my friends’ arms. Those cries came from my soul, and it had been a long time since I felt emotions so deep. It was a release that I didn’t know I needed. In those moments, I’m reminded that God sees me and knows exactly what I need, even when I don’t know it for myself. He will literally send someone to find me in a crowded congregation to come see about me.
As I enter chapter 32, I really want to focus on being a better version of myself. All Hell is breaking loose in my life, but I still have peace and joy. I am consistently meeting with my therapist, which is helping me tremendously. I highly recommend therapy because it makes everything make sense to me. It’s like those numbered dot-to-dot puzzles where you draw lines to connect each dot, and at the end, it creates a beautiful picture. I am learning to “feel the feelings” but don’t stay there and dwell on them. I try not to worry about things I cannot change and focus on the ones I can. As I reflect on everything that has happened in my life, I am so grateful for the path God has chosen for me. When times get challenging, I always question, “Why me?” but I have changed my perspective, and now I think, “Why not me?”. I’m neither perfect nor claim to be, but every trial turned into a triumph, and I’ve learned so much from it.
I want to remind everyone to be kind to yourself. Life is hard, and unfortunately, it will get more complicated. You were made for this, and God loves you even in your darkest moments. For anyone going through hard times right now, I pray that his peace is upon you and remember, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28
Thank you for your continued support; I ask that you pray for me and my family, and I will pray for you and yours.
-Jazmin Elaine
