After The Funeral.....
It gets quiet after the funeral. The phones stopped ringing, the prayers seemed to have stopped, and the people who came to comfort had returned to their lives. It amazes me how the silence can be so loud at times. The whole world has moved on, and I feel stuck. Time is moving so slowly but quickly at the same time. I count the days since she left, and I can't believe a month has passed because it feels like only a few hours. The shock is still there, and I can't imagine life without her. I question God daily and ask, "Why am I still here?" I feel like my mother, Krystal, & Kendra all went on a trip I wasn't invited to. Every day, I wake up, and I must make the conscious decision to live. "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."-John 10:10 The enemy will attack your mind, and he will try to kill you in your grief. He can NOT have my life, and I will continue to fight because God will get glory for all of this.
The actual healing comes after the funeral. When nothing is left to distract you from your thoughts and emotions, you face them. I feel like I am in three different grieving cycles, and it is so challenging. Once one wound seems to be healed, I get cut again. You never truly get over the loss of a loved one. It becomes a scar or an old injury; you learn to live with it, and occasionally, you are reminded that it's there. Some pain is just unimaginable. I used to hear other people's life stories and think, "Oh, I would've died.", or "I don't know how they got through that." Once you have experienced that unimaginable, indescribable pain, you understand that there is no other explanation but God. I hate grief, and I hate that we all have to experience it, but I am thankful for a God who will walk with me and talk with me in it.
There is a purpose after the funeral. God has given us all an assignment before we leave this Earth. Sometimes, we get attacks from every direction, but that only proves God's hand is on you. The enemy wouldn't be so upset if you didn't have a purpose or calling over your life. In my transparency, I have not always accepted my calling or wanted to walk in my purpose. There have been and probably will be many more days to come when I have tried to give it back to God. Somedays, I don't feel like I can handle it because the weight of it all becomes too heavy. I always question God and ask, "Why would you trust me with THAT?!?!?!" I was blessed with the unique experience of not having to come into this world alone. Kendra and I always referred to each other as "womb-mates," and I believe we were a part of each other's purpose. She always had my back, right or wrong, and would do anything to help the people she loved. While she has finished her race and purpose here on Earth, I know she is still a part of mine. I am broken in every way imaginable right now, but I will be going through a holy ghost surgery, and my faith will make me whole again.
Please continue to pray for my whole family, particularly my father, Wesley Page, my eldest sister, Karmen Moore, and myself.
Thank you all for your continued support.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18
