Under Construction......
Aug 11, 2020
It has been a minute since I’ve posted but I promise I’ve been trying. I have been struggling emotionally for the past few weeks. Every day I count my blessings and I thank God for waking me up but if I can be transparent, I don’t always mean it. I’ve expressed this before, my good days are wonderful, but the bad ones are debilitating. What I can say about grief in my experience is you don’t know when it’s going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Everything was going so well, I stopped being sad about my mom completely. I really thought I had gotten “over” losing my her. I truly thought the worse was over. I had gotten over that little six-month hump and it should be smooth sailing from now on is what I told myself. WRONG! My whole world came crashing down like it did when I first found out about my mom passing away. I think this time may have been worse. I thought I had processed that she wasn’t coming back but clearly, I didn’t. I had a dreamlast week that I was screaming and crying for my mother. I always have dreams about her but this time she didn’t come. I cried the whole dream and when I woke up, I cried every day for 5 days straight. I haven’t cried that much in a long time and it really scared me. The mind can be tricky and that’s what the enemy attacks first. I can only speak for myself but when I feel depressed, I hate being alone. I’m so tired of people telling me that I have to learn to be by myself and enjoy my own company when the truth of the matter is, I really do enjoy being alone. My favorite part about living alone is that I can come home and not say another word if I don’t want to. My frustration comes when I communicate my needs, and someone tries to tell me that’s not what I really need. I hate making my problems other people’s issues but when I say I need help, HELP ME! I’m a strong woman! I may be grieving but I’m handling this a lot better than expected. With that being said if you have any “strong friends” crying for help don’t insult us by telling us that we’re strong because we already know that. Take time out of your day and actually make an attempt to see if we really are ok. That may not always be the case for some but for myself it helps me get out of my funk when I’m around other people and good energy. For almost two weeks all I did was cry, sleep, and go to work. That’s not the way God intended for me to live. I try to bring positive energy everywhere I go and when I needed it back, I felt abandoned and I didn’t feel like anyone loved or cared for me in this world. I know that’s not true but that’s why I needed someone to be there and reassure me that I matter. I may sound needy and honestly, I don’t care, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way so I’m just reminding you to check on your strong friends because it’s tough out here! An old friend of mine invited me out to dinner this weekend and I realized that was the first time I had laughed in a while. If you know me, you know that I am always laughing. If I’m not laughing something is really wrong. Anyways, once I went out, I started to feel much better and I’m slowly but surely crawling back out of the depression hole. I’m looking into going to grief counseling, but I will be honest, I’m terrified of facing the emotions that may arise. One of my church friends told me the saying “Black don’t crack unless you’re on crack” if counseling will keep me off crack then I’ll go! It’s better to deal with them sooner than later. I’ve been in prayer with this scripture “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” -Psalm 34:18. That scripture has been keeping me because even though the enemy is attacking me mentally, and sometimes I feel like nobody loves me, I know God is with me based on the word. I’m brokenhearted, [check] and my spirit is crushed! [double check] That says to me that even when I feel worthless, I qualify! It doesn’t matter what you’re going through, God is with you! Hold your head up and keep pushing. Somedays you’ll have to fake it and that is ok. God keeps whispering the words “Under Construction” to me. Sometimes our lives are shattered to pieces! The only thing we can do is start to rebuild. Have you ever gone in an area that you haven’t been to in a while? You start looking around and everything is brand new? Before they built those new buildings and opened up the new stores, they had to do construction. It’s so hard when you’re going through it but when it gets too hard to handle, just remind yourself “I’m under construction”. It’s not going to always feel good; somethings will literally be ripped out and torn apart from you but once God is done, he will provide so many resources and opportunities you wont even know where to begin. My prayer is that my words make a difference. I pray that if anyone is going through something that they are supported. I advise you to find a good scripture and memorize it because when those hard times hit sometimes all you have is a scripture. Times when I didn’t even know what to pray for I prayed a scripture and it really gets you through. As always, keep my family and I in your prayers and I will keep you all in mine. Don’t hesitate to reach out, I love engaging with you all……………..UNDER CONSTRUCTION
