The Gift Of Time
Jazmin Elaine
Dec 22, 2020
Updated: Feb 7, 2021
I was asked recently what the best intangible gift was that I had ever received, and my response was time. It’s the most valuable thing in my opinion. It’s the one thing we can’t get back. With time comes memories and the memories are what have been sustaining me during this holiday season. Not only do I miss my mom, I miss others that have gone before her. I try not to focus on the fact that they are no longer here, but I reflect on the good times that we once shared. I remember the lessons that were taught, and I think about the traditions I will continue when I have a family of my own. My mother LOVED Christmas! She loved buying gifts and making people happy. I remember once I reached a certain age, my mother would take Kendra and I to the store to pick out our own gifts for Christmas. She would then make us wrap them ourselves and put them under the tree. I used to be so upset!!!!! I would ask her why we had to put our stuff under the tree if we already knew what was in the boxes? She would simply say “Because I like how it looks”. I laugh thinking about it now, but it was no laughing matter at the time. The thing with time, they say it heals all wounds but I’m not as confident that it will heal the loss of a loved one. This pain is indescribable and when it becomes unbearable, I numb it with memories. I think about how last year we spent the holidays at the hospice center and actually enjoyed it. Every time “Silent Night” by The Temptations comes on I think about my mom and how that was her favorite. I laugh and I cry in the same breath and it gets me through the moments of sadness.
I am focusing on being a little gentler with myself. I beat myself up a lot because I feel like this is something you just “get over”. I’ve never knowingly seen my mother or father grieve the loss of their parents. It was always a one minute they’re here and then the next they’re gone. I’m sure my parents “kept it together” for the sake of Kendra and I but because it appeared that everything went on as normal, I have put an expectation on myself that after a certain amount of time I shouldn’t be sad anymore. I’ve come to realize it’s never going to go away; it’s going to always be a void. Life has changed forever and I’m either going to let it cripple me or I can keep working through it and be stronger because of it.
One thing about 2020, it has given me the gift of time. I have been home from work majority of the year and it has really given me time to heal and reflect on life. I look at pictures that I’ve taken earlier in the year and I can see the pain in my eyes. I honestly thought I was in shock for at least two months. I went to the clubs, concerts and shows like nothing happened. Quarantine came and things got real. There is no escaping your reality. I think that is why there has been a spike in mental health issues this year. People have buried trauma and pain deep down and because the world has slowed down, we’re faced with whatever it is that we’ve been avoiding. I have learned that not only do I need to give myself grace but I also need to extend it. I started out this year being angry because I felt like things when it came to my mother wasn’t handled properly. I understand that people have their own reasons as to why they acted the way they acted. If I can be honest, some decisions I’ve made this year or even in life were questionable. I am working on not taking things so personal because “hurt people, hurt people” and whatever may have been done that caused harm may have not been intentional. I’ve said this before, but the love of God is so strong, and I feel his presence every day. I can distinctively remember certain events this year where I knew it was nobody but God who brought me through. “I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread”. -Psalm 37:25 One thing I can attest to, I never felt like God left me nor did I feel unloved by him. In fact, there have been times where I felt undeserving of his love and tried to run from him. We’re all here for a purpose and sometimes we don’t feel worthy of the calling on our lives, so we try to bargain with God. One thing is for certain times are changing and if you read your bible, you’ll see it playing out right in front of your own eyes. We are losing people left and right, don’t take advantage of the gift of time and let it run out. There has been a major shift. I truly think when people go into 2021 they’ll be able to say “New Year, New Me” and really mean it. I don’t see how anyone could get through 2020 and come out the same. There’s no good or bad way to come out but recognize and acknowledge the shift. We’ve all did what we had to do to get through this year. Many have been pushed and pulled in so many different directions and thought they would break. I’m thankful for the “Storm of 2020” because after the storm comes a harvest. I’m excited to see what God has in store for us in 2021. I believe 2020 was the year of clarity; the delivery was very tacky, but the messages were quite clear. I’ve learned to appreciate life and to cherish the memories we have with one another. I ask that you keep my family and I in your prayers and I will do the same for you. I pray that you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
-Jazmin Elaine
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. -Jeremiah 29:11
