Breaking Chains.....
Jazmin Elaine
Apr 17, 2021
Something that I have discovered on this “self-love” journey is embracing where I am in it and owning who I am. As you all know I am constantly self-reflecting and trying to better myself as a woman. One thing that I have noticed during this process is that I carry a lot of shame. I know that may come as a surprise because I’m pretty transparent on here but there are a lot of things that I don’t discuss simply because I am too embarrassed. I was triggered this week by the passing of DMX. I pray that his soul is finally at peace and I also pray for his family and his children. I come from a family who has a history of addiction and it embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed by the fact that I’m embarrassed by it! The older I get the more aware I become of the impact it has caused in my life. The shame that I carry is because I feel the impact was negative. Growing up I always felt the need to cover things up and be on some kind of “damage control”. Always protecting the adults when in fact as a child I should’ve been the one who was protected. I never understood why my sister and I were allowed to be driven around by someone who was intoxicated. I prayed the whole time during those car rides. I always prayed someone would step up and say “Oh I’ll take the girls home” but it never happened. Thank God, we always made it safely to our destination. Physically we were unharmed, but I can’t say the same thing happened psychologically.
So here I am, thoroughly enjoying life and I’m stricken with the emotions that come with dealing with family members who suffer from drug and alcohol abuse. I empathize with DMX’s family and children because I know what it feels like to finally receive “that call”. The call that you receive when your loved one went too far this time. Unfortunately, I even know what it feels like to be the one to find that loved one and have to get them to a hospital! I remember when a family member of mine was going through withdrawals, I didn’t know what was happening at the time. This person was trying to drive, and I knew something was wrong. I offered to take this person to wherever they needed to go but before I could even get in the car, this person jerked their head back and made a loud noise (kind of like when the dryer goes off when the laundry is done) and fell out of the car and had a seizure! Mannnnnnnn TRAUMATIZING isn’t even the word! For almost two years every time the dryer went off in my house, I had a flashback of that moment.
So back to this shame that I have been carrying around like a ball and chain, how do I get rid of it? I think it’s important to start talking about what it is that you’ve been feeling ashamed of and shine a light on it. When it’s no longer a secret it has less power over you. You begin to understand that you were not the only one to go through it and you won’t be the last. I am aware that there are some crucial conversations that I need to have with a few of my family members and it terrifies me. I know the parties involved did the best that they could and I understand that when you’re battling addiction it is a constant fight. I also acknowledge the fact that even though the damage wasn’t done intentionally it still happened. I pray that God heals my heart so that I will be able to forgive and move on with my life. It is extremely difficult to not become angry and take things personally when other people’s actions affect you directly. To be a better woman, I have to own and embrace my past and where I came from. If it wasn’t for the trials and tribulations, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today. I am thankful that God has blessed me with an amazing support system. I have so many wonderful people in my life who have ALWAYS encouraged me to be bold and be who God intended me to be. Sometimes it’s hard reliving things because they bring up emotions that I once buried. It’s necessary, I have to learn from it so that I don’t pass the trauma on to the next generation.
I pray for peace and understanding to any and everyone who can relate to this blog personally. Carrying shame is not the life God intended for us to have. I encourage you to talk about it and release the chains that have you in bondage. As always, thank you for your continued support and love. Keep my family and me in your prayers and I will do the same. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”-Matthew 11:28
-Jazmin Elaine
