Life.......Update
Jazmin Elaine
Nov 24, 2020
Updated: Feb 7, 2021
It has been a while since I've posted but life has gotten complicated! Have you ever gone through something and it couldn’t have been anyone else but God who brought you through it? God really has a powerful grip on me and his favor over my life is extraordinary. I don’t know what it was, but the last month and a half was extremely draining for me. I felt like I was running a race and I started to get tired! What’s so amazing about God is he throws me a life jacket in the midst of a storm and my head always stays above water. My mother’s birthday was Oct.13th and two of my siblings and I released balloons in honor of her. I almost cried when we sung happy birthday because she’s no longer here. I think about my mother and all of my loved ones who have passed away and I just know they’re in heaven partying so why be sad? My mother lost her parents, siblings and even her twin brother a LONG time ago. This was the first birthday in a long time that she was able to celebrate with them. I’m constantly praying for healing when it comes to my siblings and our relationships with one another. We used to always argue but my mom was the glue that held us together. Now that she’s gone, there’s nothing to hold us anymore. It really breaks my heart because I wish this was a situation where we could hold onto each other and support one another. It’s so easy to just act like I don’t care but that’s far from the case. My mother has four daughters, seven grandchildren, and one great-grandchild. I hate that we were not all together to celebrate her birthday. I tried to reach out and at least bring my siblings together but because numbers have been blocked the invitation didn’t reach everyone. So now we’re at a place where one side of the family feels one way and the other feels a different way. I’m tired…. My mother wouldn’t have wanted this, nor did she tolerate it while she was living. I can only speak for myself when I say that I love my sisters with every breath in my body! My mom lives in all four of us so if anything, when I miss her that’s who I want to be around. So many things have happened that I choose not to speak on because at the end of the day everyone is responsible for their own actions and only God can judge. The holidays are coming up and it sucks that COVID-19 isn’t the only reason we won’t all be together. When the enemy can’t reach you, he attacks the closest things to you. I try to only speak my truth on here and not get any other parties involved but they are all very much a part of my story no matter what the relationships may be. I know my family will be healed, and we will be stronger than ever one day. My emotions have been up and down. I don’t remember the last time I had a REAL hug. I haven’t gotten the opportunity to lay and cry on someone’s shoulder and fully grasped what has happened. I don’t know if I’m healing or avoiding. Somedays I’m completely numb and don’t care about anything that’s going on around me. I often catch myself mentally checking out and I’m not sure if that’s even normal. When I have good days or even bad ones, I am thankful for them because I am still able to feel. I’ve always told myself “If you can feel that means you’re still alive”. So, the days that I’m numb and mentally checked out, I question if I’m living or just surviving. I don’t always feel comfortable talking to others about what I’m going through because I honestly don’t think they can handle knowing. So, when it becomes too much I check out. I stay away from alcohol and I don’t do drugs but I’m starting to think I am my own drug. I feel the pressures of always having to keep it together, always cracking jokes but when I’m by myself my brain goes into overload. I’m thankful for the woman I am and for the one I am becoming. I thank God every day for using me and allowing me to do his work. I learn more about myself each day and I truly see the growth in me just in this year alone. I am excited to see what God has for me and everyone around me. I remember at the beginning of the year I couldn’t see myself making it his far but here I am. We’re at the end of the year and it seems like God is doing a complete 360. This has been a hard year for us all but there is a blessing in it. When my mother passed away, I was ready to wild out! I was about to be at every concert and in every club, but he had other plans for me. I was able to get my own place “The Nap House” and was blessed enough to have much needed time off and not lose income. I realize others may have not had the same experiences that I have but perception is everything. Think back when you didn’t think you would make it out of that hard situation, the same God who got you through it will get you through this! I try not to worry as much because we don’t have control over everything that happens to us. When I’m overwhelmed I Let Go And Let God. Earlier when I mentioned being “numb” maybe that’s just the PEACE of God that exceeds all understanding. (Philippians 4:7) I don’t have my mother for Thanksgiving and that’s a hard pill to swallow but I have PEACE knowing that she is no longer suffering. I understand that she is in a much better place and when this race is over, I’ll see her again. Thank you all for your patience and continued support throughout my journey. Please continue to pray for my family and me. Don’t be afraid to reach out and as always, I will continue to pray for you.
“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” -Colossians 3:17
-Jazmin Elaine
