New Love

Jazmin Elaine 

Jan 31, 2021

Updated: Feb 7, 2021

I found a new love and admiration for myself. This road hasn’t been easy and to be completely honest my journey wasn’t the easiest even before my mom got sick. I was reminded by my friend of how grateful I should be because not everyone goes through the things that I’ve gone through and come out of it with a sane mind. I think we get into the habit of trying to present the best version of ourselves that we don’t accept who we really are deep down. Through the good and the bad I genuinely like me, and I will stand firm on who I am and whose I am. I understand hurt people hurt people and recently I have been “hurt hurt” by the ones I am closest to. I’ve said this before, when the enemy can’t get to you, he uses others around you to get you. I started to fall into an old habit of doubting myself but then I realized it’s a trick of the enemy and I will not let it affect me.

I have boundaries in place so when people want to act crazy, they can’t have access to me until they get themselves “together”. God has blessed me with a forgiving heart and because of it I don’t carry the weight of anger and bitterness as much.

January 6th,2021 made it a year since my mom has been gone. I don’t know what it was but as soon as midnight hit that night, I felt a panic attack coming on. All of the emotions that I felt when I received the phone call a year ago came flooding back. My breath was shortened, my chest started to hurt out of nowhere, it became too much and way too fast. Now y’all know I live alone so if I pass out, I’m gonna be laid out on the floor by myself! I had to get myself together QUICK! Mind you it’s midnight so nobody would’ve even known to check on me. I calmed myself down and I stayed up for the remainder of the night. I took the time to reflect on the year and everything that I have gone through. So many blessings have come my way and at times I’ve truly struggled but I am grateful. I remember getting my first apartment and crying because my mother wasn’t here to see it. That was the first reminder that there will be plenty events in my life that she won’t physically be here for. I hear all the time “she’s always with you” and yeah, I understand it but it’s not the same you know? This grief journey is full of highs and lows. Somedays I feel so connected to my mother, it’s like I can almost feel her in the room. I get angry at times because I feel like the cards that I was dealt SUCK!!! I try not to dwell too much, but I do allow myself to feel the emotions. I’ve even felt anger towards my mother because I NEED HER! When I get angry, I think about what she went through just to be here as long as she was. She really did fight the good fight and she finished her race. (I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith:2 Timothy 4:7) Even if God answered my prayers and brought her back, what would she wake up to? Doctors poking her and sickness in her body. Before my mother passed, she used to stare, and I would always ask her “Ma what are you looking at?” My mother would always describe something that wasn’t there or better yet something that I couldn’t see. She just kept saying everything was so beautiful and she would talk about all the different colors that she saw. That was one of the many gifts my mother gave me because if I had any doubt before I now knew that there was a Heaven on the other side of this life. So, when I want her back, I just think about where she is now and what she would be coming back to and it helps me get through the moment of anger and sadness.

I recently ran into an old friend; and it was shockingly easy to talk to them. It was the first time in maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to hold my head up and act like everything was “ok”. Don’t get me wrong I have broken down and cried in front of people, but I still felt the pressure of “keeping it together”. I have to tell myself “Stop crying, you don’t want them to think you’re crazy” or even just not wanting others to worry because if they’re worrying about me that adds stress to their lives and that’s not what I want. I felt a tremendous weight lifted off of me and it’s funny how one conversation literally changed my life. Sharing a moment of complete vulnerability for the first time in so long was definitely a milestone in my healing. Being able to say what I truly felt and not being afraid of judgement was extremely empowering and it shows how far I have truly come. Even in my transparency with this blog I still hold a lot of things in because I fear how my messages may be perceived. I’ll carry these battle scars as a reminder that I made it. Every nightmare that I have due to past trauma I wake up and thank God that I made it. If you still have breath in your body, you still have work to do! The gift that God placed in you is FOR YOU!!!! Others won’t understand because it’s not for them to. When I get discouraged and feel unworthy, I pray, read scripture, or listen to gospel music. Anytime my mind goes against what God says I have to surround myself with the presence of God. He speaks to us in many ways and you have to be prepared to receive his messages. I have recently been listening to an old Hymn called “Farther Along” (my favorite version is the one sung by the First Baptist of Glenarden choir) that I heard at my grandmothers church a few years back. Somedays I question God because I don’t understand what is going on and the chorus of the hymn always pops up in my head “Farther along we'll know all about it; farther along we'll understand why Cheer up, my brother; live in the sunshine, we'll understand it all by and by” and I feel that is Gods way of speaking to me through the process. Trust the process and know it’s working out for your good. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you all for constantly keeping my family and I lifted in your prayers, as well as supporting me and the path God has me on. Continue to pray for my family and I lifted in prayer and I will continue to pray for you all. Don’t be afraid to reach out I love the interactions I have with my readers.

-Jazmin Elaine